Poor Brandon’s Almanac. Lessons for the Young and Old on Industry, Temperance, Frugality &c. by Brandon Shell. Mock maxims, affable aphorisms and so forth…

Poor Brandon’s Almanac

Lessons for the Young and Old on Industry, Temperance, Frugality &c. by Brandon Shell.                          Mock maxims, affable aphorisms and so forth…

1.    Those who say, ‘You never get a second chance to make a first impression’, have never worked at a nursing home.

2.    There’s more than one way to skin a cat… but I bet they’re all pretty funny.

3.    They say that a dog is a man’s best friend; unless that man is into bestiality. Then his best friend is a dog that can keep a secret.

4.    There’s no such thing as a stupid question… just stupid people who aren’t afraid to ask questions.

5.    It takes a village… to have a village idiot.

6.    A wise man once said, “And this little guy must be Jesus!”

7.    There is no use crying over spilled milk, unless your tears are very absorbent.

8.    The only thing we have to fear is fear its self. But I wouldn’t discount the Nazi’s.

9.    I like Jazz… to not be played near me.

10. And once again we see the truth in the age-old adage: Never date a leg-less South African.

11. You know a blind date is going badly when Date Line NBC’s Chris Matthews walks in and introduces himself.

12. Some say failure is not an option; but I say why limit ourselves.

13. Pennies are everywhere; and yet, they’re not a dime a dozen.

14. I think, therefore I am ­–probably not in a fraternity.

15. A bird in the hand –really gets your cat’s hopes up.

16. Remember new dads: If you change one diaper you’ve succeeded.

17. When God closes a door he opens a window –which sucks in the winter.

18. A day in the life of a calendar

19. I never know today’s date ‘cuz it keeps changing.

20. A career advisor suggested making a list of prospective companies then taking out one manager a month –but I don’t think violence is the answer.

21. Unless you’re the lead dog the view never changes; unless you’re a straight dog you probably don’t mind.

22. When something “goes without saying” it still gets said (test it).

23. If I had a nickel for every time I needed five cents I would break even.

24. A stitch, in time, will save you nine; but a stitch in the emergency room will cost you a small fortune.

25. A house divided –is a duplex.

26. He wouldn’t hurt a fly –he’s got really slow reflexes.

27. Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it; so remember to forget it, should you win the lottery.

28. I’ve found that studio apartments are actually one-and-a-half baths if you count the kitchen sink.

29. A picture is worth a thousand words –unless you’re blind.

30. A chain wallet is usually attached to the one guy you’d never steal from in the first place.

31. Ancient Chinese proverb: Many hands make for light work.

Modern Chinese proverb (sadly): Mini hands make for light work.

32. If you do sign language but have arthritis, do you talk with a lisp?

33. I’d like to thank the academy –but I’ve never been nominated.

34. I’ve heard it said that everybody copes with death differently; but I’m pretty sure they all just lay there.

35. I make six figures –depending on decimal precision.

36. The probability of me taking a second statistics course is zero.

37. We call those the salad days –‘cuz we couldn’t afford meat.

38. They say the camera adds ten pounds; but I think that depends on what it’s made of.

39. If there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s dealing with multiple things I can’t stand.