Poor
Brandon’s Almanac
Lessons for the Young and Old on
Industry, Temperance, Frugality &c. by Brandon Shell. Mock maxims, affable aphorisms and so forth…
1.
Those
who say, ‘You never get a second chance to make a first impression’, have never
worked at a nursing home.
2.
There’s
more than one way to skin a cat… but I bet they’re all pretty funny.
3.
They
say that a dog is a man’s best friend; unless that man is into bestiality. Then his best friend is a dog that can keep a
secret.
4.
There’s
no such thing as a stupid question… just stupid people who aren’t afraid to ask
questions.
5.
It
takes a village… to have a village idiot.
6.
A
wise man once said, “And this little
guy must be Jesus!”
7.
There
is no use crying over spilled milk, unless your tears are very absorbent.
8.
The
only thing we have to fear is fear its self. But I wouldn’t discount the
Nazi’s.
9.
I
like Jazz… to not be played near me.
10. And once again we see the truth
in the age-old adage: Never date a
leg-less South African.
11. You know a blind date is going
badly when Date Line NBC’s Chris Matthews walks in and introduces himself.
12. Some say failure is not an
option; but I say why limit ourselves.
13. Pennies are everywhere; and yet, they’re not a dime
a dozen.
14. I think, therefore I am –probably
not in a fraternity.
15. A bird in the hand –really gets
your cat’s hopes up.
16. Remember new dads: If you
change one diaper you’ve succeeded.
17. When God closes a door he opens
a window –which sucks in the winter.
18. A
day in the life of a calendar
19. I never know today’s date ‘cuz
it keeps changing.
20. A career advisor suggested making
a list of prospective companies then taking out one manager a month –but I
don’t think violence is the answer.
21. Unless you’re the lead dog the
view never changes; unless you’re a straight dog you probably don’t mind.
22. When something “goes without
saying” it still gets said (test it).
23. If I had a nickel for every
time I needed five cents I would break even.
24. A stitch, in time, will save
you nine; but a stitch in the emergency room will cost you a small fortune.
25. A house divided –is a duplex.
26. He wouldn’t hurt a fly –he’s
got really slow reflexes.
27. Those who forget the past are
destined to repeat it; so remember to forget it, should you win the lottery.
28. I’ve found that studio
apartments are actually one-and-a-half baths if you count the kitchen sink.
29. A picture is worth a thousand
words –unless you’re blind.
30. A chain wallet is usually
attached to the one guy you’d never steal from in the first place.
31. Ancient Chinese proverb: Many
hands make for light work.
Modern Chinese proverb (sadly):
Mini hands make for light work.
32. If you do sign language but
have arthritis, do you talk with a lisp?
33. I’d like to thank the academy
–but I’ve never been nominated.
34. I’ve heard it said that
everybody copes with death differently; but I’m pretty sure they all just lay
there.
35. I make six figures –depending
on decimal precision.
36. The probability of me taking a
second statistics course is zero.
37. We call those the salad days –‘cuz
we couldn’t afford meat.
38. They say the camera adds ten
pounds; but I think that depends on what it’s made of.
39. If there’s one thing I can’t
stand it’s dealing with multiple things I can’t stand.
